New State Law Rolled out to Provide Loser-Affirming Care to All Qualified Fuckups

April 11, 2022

New York, NY

Throngs of pathetic, do-nothing dipshits gathered today around brunch time at New York City Hall to celebrate a new law that guarantees affirming care for people who self-identify as giant losers. The law was passed with a lot of shrieking and crying, and cleared the courts with a whopping zero votes in favor, as actually voting on the matter would have been seen as undemocratic and not at all loser-like.

New York Senator Vajine Von Diddles spoke on behalf of losers everywhere as he signed the new bill into law. "We need to support these miserable failures to make sure they can faithfully stay on the path of uselessness they've identified with," he said, "The world in general makes life hard for losers, and forces you UNFAIRLY to be productive and learn skills that non-losers have. Like flushing toilets or pumping gas. You are all born losers, and by God, you have the right to die losers, and nobody can take that away from you!"

As losers and loser allies swarmed like disconnected ants, pontificating and judging each other to show their support , they sang top 40 pop songs and fast food jingles to proclaim their love for the new thing. All the while they compared Twitter feeds and talked about their genitalia and what they liked to do with them.

Determined to learn more about the self-serving deadbeats who supported this bill, our reported waded through all of the mouth froth, bong resin and Xbox controllers to see just what it was these spirited individuals had to say.

Jermaine Slapdash, who himself confesses to frequently scheduling job interviews during World of Warcraft raid night in order to justify skipping aforementioned interviews, had this to say: "Dude!"

59 year old Pre-med pre-law pre-chemist pre-philosophy pre-diabetes college student Alfred Schnoorz explained away his master plan to simply exist at the expense of everyone around him until the the robots take over, "AI is like, coming soon. And that means they're gonna put my brain into a computer and I can do whatever I want and live forever!"

"Weed drugs marijuana bongs Bob Marley, man!" A person wearing a green zentai and smelling like a more traumatized version of Woodstock shouted at the back of our heads. We assume he was planning to be a professional marijuana promoter when he grew up until he found out it was too hard.

Much to everyone's surprise, there was one man who spoke in protest of the new law, proclaiming that encouraging unsustainable levels of parasitic behavior was wrong, but he was beaten, raped, then stoned to death for being unsupportive, which meant he was the one that was wrong because he died. We feel the mob was justified in performing these actions in this context because the protester may or may not have said something insensitive about Elon Musk.

So what's in this elaborate yet concise 3,000-page bill? Here are a few things we've discovered so far.

-A moratorium on all state and federal loans until they beat Elden Ring or improve their Call of Duty kill/death ratio by 30%, hence allowing millions of losers to continue pursuing their degrees in recreational scatology

-Legalizing a bunch more drugs that discourage activity or gainful employment.

-Free health care for any and all illnesses and injuries that could be sustained by poor diet or chronic masturbation.

-Free landscaping to reduce the risk of any loser accidentally touching grass and suddenly becoming aware of the world outside of their own heads.

-Free food provided the claimant only consumes it during live streams from their Twitch or Onlyfans accounts. Food provided will be of the ready-made variety, but items requiring preparation or an over may be considered if your mother and/or significant other cooks it for you

-Free radon testing and remediation if you live in a basement. Any basement is sufficient, and an additional credit will be applied if the owner of your selected basement lives in the same home and is younger than you are.

-A variety of free loser-affirming mental health services based on how loudly you can shriek.

-A written apology signed by God himself for being the sole reason your life is as horrible as it is. Nobody expected you to do better anyway, but we all really know whose fault it is.

We will add more important points and advantages we discover inside the bill as we find them in order to keep all of the dim-witted, mouth-breathing, life farts that read these reports well-informed of the benefits they will be receiving. We would love to hear your thoughts on this new bill provided they are in favor of it, as we don't want to be beaten, raped, and stoned to death out of association of an opposing opinion.