DON'T EAT THIS CHEESE!!!
September 10, 2017
Boise, ID
Cheese. It's on your plate, it's in your fridge, and now it's on America's Most Wanted.
Idaho state police have advised residents in the Boise area to be on the lookout for the cheese pictured above. If you see this cheese, call the police immediately and avoid contact. Whatever you do, do NOT pursue the cheese in question and definitely DO NOT attempt to eat it!
This particular cheese may look pretty tasty, but danger lurks beneath that delicious exterior. For the past seven years, this cheese has been on a rampage of crime that could rival any dairy-free politician. Such crimes include murder, rape, arson, and driving with a suspended license. It is considered to be armed and dangerous, and no effort should be made by regular citizens to attempt to detain it.
"That's some bad cheese," commented Idaho State Police deputy Frank Von Farkstein, "It really stinks. I've seen some bad apples before, but this cheese takes the cake. Mmmm... cake. Do we have any cake?"
He continued to talk about cake for the next 40 minutes, none of which we included due to lack of relevancy. He was later suspended with pay for reasons unknown.
If you happen to see a stray cheese and think it matches the photo above (Or the artist's rendition below), wait for it to murder someone and take note of how it performs this act. If it shoots them between the eyes, skins their face and then stacks their head into a pile of freshly-gutted skulls to it's immediate right, it is definitely the guilty cheese. If this is the case, call the police right away! If it murders its victim in any other fashion, it's probably just regular cheese. In this case, you're welcome to call the police at your leisure.
This article may seem silly, but we urge you to take it seriously. An image has been provided of the most recent murder spree from the evil cheese's rampage. Friends and families are still recovering, and this killer cheese remains at large. This is one nasty cheese and is not to be underestimated. Again, do NOT try to apprehend on your own! This cheese has killed more than gorgonzola. Again again, do NOT try to eat it! It will only make it more murdery!
Above is the most recent police sketch of the cheese in question. We were able to copy the image before it was sent to the Louvre to sit in place of DaVinci's Mona Lisa during its lunch breaks. It may or may not have an angry face. Nobody is really sure.
"We're hoping to apprehend this cheese before it becomes an inspiration to misguided cheeses in other parts of the world," Idaho police chief Anthony Sherman Dong told us on condition of anonymity, "The last thing we need is copycat cheeses, and we are ready to do all that is necessary to bring this felonious fromage to justice." Chief Dong fears the cheese may retaliate against his family upon the realization it is being pursued, so he asked that we do not reveal his name, occupation, or address at 17 Beacon Hill Road, Boise, ID 83701.
One final reminder: do NOT try to eat this cheese!
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