A Message to Teens : Exchanging Eyeballs is Bad for You
First they were eating Tide pods. Then they were snorting condoms. Then they were getting their organs pierced. Then they were wearing skinny jeans. Then they were snorting their skinny jeans. And now they are swapping eyeballs. Though nobody is particularly shocked about these ever-changing internet 'challenges' anymore, they are still at least a little bit unnerved.
It's been happening all over the country as local hospitals struggle to keep up with the trendy but horrific aftermath of this new fad. From coast to coast, teenagers across America are now removing their eyeballs and trading them with the eyeballs of their classmates. While some claim to do it to see if they can see what their classmates are seeing, others are doing it just because they think it's cool.
“Self-destructive behavior is always a serious matter to me, especially in young children,” states high school guidance counselor Jill Donahue, “Our concern at this time is that these students aren't fully aware of the gravity of risking their sense of sight at such an early age. Many of these kids aren't aware that their eyes aren't fodder for selfies and that they actually SEE through them!”
“My lesson on polynomial equations ended this morning when I felt something hit me in the foot,” said Delaware math teacher Gavin Quinn, “I turned around and looked down, and there was this human eyeball looking up at me. Then I looked at my class and saw many of them were missing one or both of their eyeballs. There were eyeballs on desks, eyeballs on the floor. There were eyeballs everywhere except where eyeballs should have been. I told them to stop messing around, but they just ignored me like they usually do.”
“It's because we give our youngest generations very little to look forward to,” screamed a particularly hairy man from outside a classroom window, “If I were in my mid teens, I'd rip my eyes out, too!” The man then fled into the woods while howling like a wolf before we could reach him for further questioning.
The kids seem to think it's a fun, harmless trend, and we were inclined to agree with them until we sought an expert's opinion. We took some time to speak with licensed optometrist Dolores Jenkins about the risks of this new fad and she had these words to say:
“Removing an eyeball can be incredibly dangerous, and removing both can be twice as bad. We barely understand how eyes work, let alone how to fix them when the optic nerve is severed with a plastic cafeteria knife! These children are taking it upon themselves to remove their eyes with improvised, non-sanitary surgical tools. Then, they attempt to re-seat them in a foreign eye socket with rubber bands and crafting glue. I hate to be so harsh, but they are probably less qualified than modern ophthalmologists to do this kind of back-alley surgery. If they want to trade eyeballs, they should leave it to the professionals.”
We attempted to speak with some of the high school students who were involved in this eye-swapping event, but since learning speech and forming basic word construction doesn't begin until college, there was little they could tell us about the grisly trend.
“Jerbaflerb derb blerble apple sauce!” Exclaimed 18 year-old valedictorian Jerry Schumer when asked about this disturbing new challenge. He later began to flick nose mucous at our crew until they were forced to flee the room.
“Rar rar rar rar rar rar rar rar,” Said a second student ad infinitum. It should also be noted that this student had no eyes at the time of questioning and didn't seem a bit perturbed by it.
Due to its obvious negative impact upon childhood growth and development, we have gathered a few important facts you should share with your teen should they show interest in eyeball swapping:
Dirty spoons often used in amateur eyeball removal can lead to infection.
Swapping of eyeball juice can lead to the transfer of disease
Trading a single eyeball does NOT let you see from two different bodies
Removing both eyeballs leads to blindness and inability to locate missing eyeballs.
98% of all eye-swapped teens can't see anything afterwards. The other 2% whose vision was partially restored could only seem to see demons, devils, and the occasional terrifying vista of surreal existences.
As we hope and pray this teenage fad passes quickly and is replaced with something less damaging, we will exit this article with one final plea:
Please don't swap eyeballs with your friends until you become a responsible adult!
