Mormon Family To Give Out Pamphlets This Halloween
October 30th, 2017
Shartlesville, PA
Sugar-fiending children in the Shartlesville area are on high alert today upon learning that a local Mormon family plans to hand out religious pamphlets for Halloween this year, and fear that this could create a holiday trend in the region has many concerned for their childhood, not to mention an unsatisfactory delay in their inevitable march towards type 2 adult-onset diabetes.
"The worst thing I got last year was a packet of circus peanuts," Said Philip Bowman, a local 10-year old professional, "But at least it wasn't some dumb pamphlet. If I want to read something, I'll read the ingredients on my candy bars!"
The family in question, led by Malachi and Ruth Baker, can't wait until they receive their first trick-or-treater, and are unashamedly optimistic about the reception of their pamphlets focusing on the finer points of Mormonism.
"What better treat is there than to spread the good news?" Malachi said to our film crew, "On top of that, the pamphlets we will be giving out are hypoallergenic and gluten free, and any child can enjoy them despite disabilities or medical conditions. After all, there is no better gift than to hear about the good news of Joseph Smith!"
Though the Bakers feel positive about their playful bucking of seasonal trends, there seems to be some in the neighborhood who feel like it's taking something important away from this special time of year. More specifically, they feel it is taking away something that belonged to someone else.
"I don't think it's fair to Satan," commented neighborhood Satanist Gravefilth Bloodsorrow (Likely a moniker), "I mean, like, Mormons have their own holidays, man! Satan won't stand for this! It's like eating turkey on Easter! You know, instead of rabbit!"
Mr. Bloodsorrow's concern is in his moderately-held religious belief that Halloween is Satan's holiday, and nobody will take it seriously if it becomes spoiled by 'Mormons Mormoning out or something.' Besides, it's the only day of the year he can wear his cape and horns without everyone laughing at him.
"Satan's gonna get revenge on all those gay Mormons for trying to steal our holiday!" he continued, "Did you know Satanists only get one holiday a year? Besides tax day, I guess, but that doesn't count! Hail Satan!"
Mr. Bloodsorrow told us that he planned to spend Halloween engaged in a black magic ritual to 'get back at all the bitches' and also improve his skills in Call of Duty. He provided no further intelligible details, but let's just say we weren't exactly as intimidated as he thought we were.
But concern for demonic vengeance hasn't dampened the spirits of the Bakers in the least. In fact, they have volunteered to read their pamphlets aloud to anyone who has not yet reached the age of literacy, such as small children and the average Satanist.
If there is anything else to report about this passive battle between Satan and the forces of Mormonism as this holiday unfolds, you will see it here first!
