Hillary Clinton Blames Air For Costing Her Election
WARNING!!! THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF INSENSITIVE LANGUAGE!!! READ ON AT YOUR OWN PERIL!!!
October 4th, 2017 Seattle, WA
It appeared to be business as usual during Hillary Clinton's book tour today as she travels from state to state to blame the world for her 2016 presidential election defeat. But then, halfway through a scheduled appearance at a Seattle Starbucks, Mrs. Clinton nearly tripped over a new source for her defeat that she still couldn't point to herself: it was the air we all breathe.
"FUCKING AIR!!!" she exclaimed to our cameras, "THOSE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WENT AND FUCKING VOTED FOR THAT POSSUM-HEADED DAUGHTER-FUCKER ALL FUCKING BREATHE THIS BULLSHIT AIR!!!"
Upon suddenly noticing everyone around her was breathing air, she spontaneously began to blame it for her presidential election loss. There will probably be another book on this in the future, as it may have been the only excuse she's tested that didn't carry its own chapter.
"WHO SAID YOU PITILESS AMOEBAS COULD BREATHE MY GOD DAMN AIR!!!??? I'D MURDER YOU ALL MYSELF BUT I DON'T WANT CALLUSES ON MY HUMANOID SKINSUIT!!! DEAD MOTHERFUCKERS CAN'T VOTE AGAINST THE HILLARY CLINTON!!!"
Mrs. Clinton then began to descend into a violent rant in which she postulated that if every American was dead and she was the only remaining citizen who was still alive to vote, she would have won the election by a landslide. Her crowd of followers cheered loudly as she swore to them how easy it would be for her to kill every single one of them as well as their families, friends, and pets.
A rift suddenly erupted in her 300-strong secret service detail as approximately half of them tried in vain to calm her down while the other half followed her orders to murder the first half for trying to calm her down. Emergency services took hours to tally the death toll.
As bullets and rockets flew threw the air, she continued to scream at her loyal followers through intercoms attached to her bullet-proof bubble suit, afforded to her by tax dollars and discreet nuclear deals with Russia.
"ALL YOU SHITFUCK RETARD WAGE SLAVE FUCKHEADS BREATHING ALL THAT FUCKING AIR!!! SEE WHAT SHIT YOU WORTHLESS BOOTSTAINS DO WHEN I TAKE THAT SHIT!!! YOU FUCK ME ON MY PRESIDENCY!!! I FUCK YOU ON YOUR AIR SUPPLY!!! WE'LL SEE WHICH MOTHERFUCKER GETS THE LAST FUCK!!!"
What followed were a series of vulgar, hip-thrusting motions which made us glad our cameraman was murdered and his gear destroyed. We had no desire to see it again beyond our own uncontrollable nightmares.
With 120 secret service members dead along with 22 innocent Starbucks customers, this day has been infamously-labeled as the second deadliest day in Starbucks history, trumped only by the Great Starbucks Massacre of 2015. But on the bright side, this is only the 18th largest mass murder in Clinton family history, a positive trend for any organization immune to the law.
After the event, Mrs. Clinton retired to her M1 Abrams luxury touring tank to review scenes from the 1990 movie 'Total Recall', in which the corporate overlord of Mars shut off the air supply to a large number of undesirables.
It is not clear at this time whether or not Mrs. Clinton was aware that the 'unwashed, pathetic peons' she consistently looks down upon breathed air just like her until this day. Either way, her followers just kept cheering, so we feel her message garnered a mostly-positive reaction among people that would still vote for her.
Hillary Clinton's next public appearance for her book tour will be at the United States chemical weapons stockpile at Umatilla Chemical Depot in Hermiston, Oregon. Though the government claims the chemical weapons stored at the site were destroyed decades ago, we have a feeling that the former Secretary Of State is not heading there because of it's literacy rate.
