Kim Jong Un wins North Korea MMA championship
September 20, 2017
Pyongyang, DPRK
An entire nation breathed a collective sigh of relief today as Kim Jong Un, uncontested ruler and national World of Warcraft grand champion of North Korea, has again won the North Korean National MMA Championships. This makes it the 38th year in a row that the 33 year-old dictator has been able to claim the prestigious title and adjusts his MMA record to 9,422 wins and zero losses.
In this championship fight, North Korea's glorious leader was able to defeat 230 of his most healthy-looking textile workers in under 17 minutes with a devastating combination of glares, stares, throat-clearing, standing, and breathing in as well as out. In fact, he was able to defeat a dozen opponents merely by checking his cell phone.
The people of North Korea praised their glorious leader's victory and celebrated with a feast of moth balls and the good kind of tree bark. As they celebrated the life of their champion of mankind, they also celebrated that nobody was murdered in a hail of machine gun fire during the event.
"We were afraid everyone was going to be murdered," said an anonymous citizen in the midst of celebration, "One of the combatants tripped in the arena, probably because he had one of his legs crushed at work in a leg-crushing machine. He nearly brushed against glorious leader's shoulder, but I don't think anyone noticed. Praise our glorious leader that our glorious leader did not notice this transgression."
Our anonymous contact later confided in us that had any of the fighters actually came into physical contact with Kim, all of them would have been murdered in an above-average deluge of machine gun fire. He was then murdered shortly after speaking with us.
Not only was Kim able to best a record number of opponents in a record time, he was also able to return to his computer 15 minutes before raid time, where he proceeded to beat World of Warcraft for the 400th time with his eyes blindfolded.
