Water Sucks and Needs to be Destroyed
I had a glass of water yesterday and it left me with some interesting thoughts to accompany my bored taste buds. I imagined taking all of the water on this pale blue dot and blasting it into space. Let the cosmos have all that stupid water because I'm tired of living next to it. We would be better off without it, and It's the best way to avoid water-related death. After all, we could all use one less thing to worry about.
As I choked down that fateful mass of liquid nothing It brought back childhood memories, and not the good kind. It reminded me of a time when I was sometimes required to drink this nihilistic earthpiss against my will. It is, without a doubt, the one beverage I remember as being less desirable than any other beverage. It's still the single greatest reason I always dread running out of spaghetti sauce. Back in the day, if I were given the choice of drinking melted floor popsicle or second-hand rain, I'd pick the purple-flavored diabetes with hair in it every time. At least it wasn't water.
There's no easy way around it. Water sucked back then. It sucks now, and it will probably suck in the future. If the earth wants to be able to compete with Kool Aid and Mountain Dew, it needs to make some major changes to its crappy beverage of choice. Water is just not an interesting product, and I will side with pickle juice as my drink of choice at every pot luck orgy I host.
Ol' Grandpappy H2O is a relic of a bygone era, and it has no place in our modern age of education and forward thinking. During a time when there was no Gatorade and significantly less onion gravy, then yes, sometimes water was all there was. But now we have many non-water things, and we can finally cast aside this unpleasant stain on our noble history. We don't need it anymore, and promoting water during our current generation of enlightenment is no different than throwing your hat in for a horde of pillaging Mongols, or the KKK if they wore hats.
Never forget: a vote for water is a vote for the KKK. And you'll never get your hat back.
I can feel your skeptical eyes on my supple, delicate features, and don't you worry. I will certainly not avoid the fact that human beings are, by a very large percentage, mostly made up of water. In a most painful truth, we are more water than we are regular people parts. Does that make people suck? Clearly not. People are awesome; that's why there's so many of us. Water is what sucks. Water, being in the majority, dominates our will and guides every horrible act we commit. It is no coincidence that when you waterboard somebody, you use water. And the worst part? The water loves it.
Clearly, water is evil. Water hates us. It's what fuels our self-destructive nature. Water wants to kill us. Take the water out of humankind, and you take the evil with it. Send that boring hatefuel into space!
So Act now! We should work together to get rid of that nothing-colored nothingjuice before it gets rid of us! Water is a demonic source that will stop at nothing to murder us all! You never hear of people drowning in grassy meadows. Or cows. People don't drown in cows; people drown in water. And if we don't act now, then when!? Don't let it be when it's too late, or it'll feel worse than the time you missed your best friend's second circumcision*, and I don't think you can live with that much guilt. **
*Hello!? Secondcision 2017!? Where were you!?)
** This rant brought to you by Tony Guadalajara's No-Water Diet. Why stop eating bread when you can stop drinking water?
