Undergrads Underachieve in New Army Program
When Americans think of the United States Army, they think of two things: of the proverbial immovable object and of chicken. They think of the first because the army is a notoriously rigid organization which does not easily yield to social or economic change. They think of the second because Americans love chicken and are always thinking about chicken, but that's generally irrelevant.
But the unstoppable force of progress has more momentum than experts once thought, and the military's conservative tide has been turning for nearly a decade. In its never-ending quest to improve unit cohesion and individual readiness within its ranks, the US Army has formed an experimental group that will help us train the endearing uniqueness of this generation's college undergrads into the dedicated soldiers of our future.
Led by Sergeant First Class Jeremy Cockburn, the self-titled 1st Platoon* Kidney Beans** is a unique mashup of liberal arts graduates of all races, religions, colors, creeds, diets, genders, IPA choices, sizes, regions, sexes, smells, nationalities, ideals, species, lung capacities, sexual preferences, elbow lengths, terrorist organizations, and toilet paper loading preferences who all want to do one thing, and they are all hoping that some time in the army will help them learn just what that one thing actually is.
"Training soldiers is something I love to do, and I definitely was not at all forced at gunpoint into being part of such an interesting unit," Sergeant Cockburn said at excessive volume to our film crew, "I have high expectations for this group of unique individuals and have absolutely no interest in gently resting my head upon the asphalt of a busy highway."
The Kidney Beans are to participate in a highly tailored version of basic training catered to their strength of character and love of themselves above all others. In the scope of their training, they will be encouraged to participate, but never forced, as they have already proven themselves to be the masters of their own destiny and that a 4-year degree in AHS*** was all the education they'd ever need. If things go according to schedule, they will all be commissioned officers after two long weeks, then distributed among the army's many brigades in order to lead them in the right way to exist.
It goes without saying that the Army's bizarre changestep to a monotonous march centuries long has drawn a lot of attention, positive as well as negative. To document this landmark time in its 241-year history, the United States Army has allowed us to tag along and monitor the progress of these new recruits. Though we won't be allowed to speak with them, we will report on their activities on a day-to-day basis until their training is concluded.
Day 1 : The training began with a complete standstill due to issues that erupted during morning physical training. Many members of the undergrad platoon, not used to waking up before 1PM brunch, simply slept in. As for the others, they found the preliminary stretches and rotations to be too suggestive, and they began to protest out of unanimous concern from all trainees that the men were going to start raping everyone. Thanks to their quick thinking and 12-hour poetry circle, nobody was raped except for the taxpayers.
Day 2 : Physical training was a success today after Sergeant Cockburn declared that the 3AM picketing about grapefruit abuse was a reasonable substitute. However, another lengthy protest erupted in the dining facility when the Kidney Beans declared that breakfast was not diverse enough. Their main concerns were the shocking lack of kale, kale chips, kale pancakes, and kale mashed potatoes, not to mention a general lack of gluten-free, non-dairy, grass-fed, cruelty-free, hyphen-hyphen, non-GMO, free-range, and food-free options. While they all staged a 17-hour sit-in/hunger strike, they were promised all of these options would be available in the future. Regardless, there was no military training on this day, either. The Kidney Beans were done with their first two days and Sergeant Cockburn began to develop an odd tick whenever any of the trainees spoke. He was given some Motrin and a glass of water to combat this possible illness.
Day 3 : Despite being far behind schedule, this was another wasted day. One of the Kidney Beans heard a senior instructor from another training platoon say a naughty word, and that individual began to break out in a sickness that resembled smallpox with a chance of seizures. Training was put on hold for grief counseling for the individuals who heard the naughty word, individuals who thought they heard the naughty word, individuals who thought they heard individuals say they heard a naughty word, and individuals who had a good guess as to what the naughty word might have been. This turned out to be all 41 of them, though none of them seemed to be able to remember what the naughty word even was. As for sergeant Cockburn, he involuntarily sacrificed his 18 minutes of scheduled sleep time for more sensitivity training, and it appears to have paid off. He looks much more sensitive now.
Day 4 : The Kidney Beans refused to show up for training today due to a spiritual holiday. Declaring it 'Thirsty Thursday', they all shed their scruples and invaded the nearest bar off base to get hammered beyond moral recognition. As they smoked, drank, snorted, injected, ate bacon, and otherwise discarded all of the values they stood so strongly in favor of in previous days, they merely blamed society and insisted with much conviction that everyone else still adhere to their selective values without judging them for violating the same. Sergeant Cockburn was nowhere to be seen today.
Day 5 : Driver's training was cancelled today because many Kidney Beans were concerned about the emissions of the military's transport vehicles. Once they learned that the army did not have any electric tanks or aircraft, they spent the rest of the day signing a 'Change.org' petition to grant Elon Musk billions of dollars to make electric tanks. We still aren't sure how it took 14 hours to get 41 people to sign one petition. Even though we were there while it happened, we still didn't understand it.
Day 6 : Much to our surprise at this point, there was some progress today. After a morning workout that consisted of an hour of indignant shouting and a breakfast of blood-free kale, the Kidney Beans enthusiastically enjoyed a full day of harassment, suicide prevention, and self-improvement resiliency training. Their generally positive response to such training was an interesting contrast to the majority of our military as we currently know it, many of who would rather rake dirt and paint rocks than take another class about understanding their feelings. Perhaps the Kidney Beans are the agents of change that the army needs after all.
Day 7 : Today felt like day 1 all over again as each of the Kidney Beans fled in terror at the site of their very first M-16 rifle. Granted, it had been disassembled into many pieces and was brought out one component at a time to not startle them. However, as soon as one Kidney Bean realized these parts collectively belonged to a firearm, there was an uncontrollable stampede that scattered panicking kidney beans in all directions and left Sergeant Cockburn crying in a corner of the barracks for about 7 hours. After pulling himself together, he was ordered to track down all 41 of the missing kidney beans. Thankfully, most were nearby, calmly grazing in an open field. The rest were in a nearby stairwell signing yet another Change.org position in order to ban guns from the army. And thus ends our first week!
At the beginning of the next week, we approached SFC Cockburn for a more candid interview. Taking advantage of the Kidney Beans being self-occupied with building a safe space out of cardboard boxes, we discretely asked him to comment on the progress of his unit and this is what he had to say:
"Somebody fucking kill me."
We attempted to get more details, but he was immediately dragged off to mandatory suicide prevention training and was placed on suicide watch for the next 7 days. The Kidney Beans have now been left to complete their training on their own.
When the two weeks conclude, the Kidney Beans will each be given a trophy, some kind words, a full commission into the corps of officers, and their first assignment of their future military career should they wish to take it. For the sake of progress, however, the US army has already decided to leave it up to them.
*In the structure of their parent company, it is actually the third platoon, but not a single element within could rationally accept being something other than first.
** After a 41-0 vote it was determined that it was the only name they could agree upon that nobody was offended by. This came after the failed suggestions of The Wallabies, The Hair Extensions, and The Spirited Individuals. Those whose suggestions were not accepted were honorably discharged because they didn't want to play anymore.
***Applied Hamster Studies
