Gluten Monster Terrorizes Hollywood
November 13, 2017
Los Angeles, CA
It has been three days now since a massive, horrific gluten monster erupted from a local Los Angeles bakery and began to carve a glutinous gash of death and destruction through the most precious jewel of the United States west coast: Hollywood, California. And as the death toll rises, so do the fears of its self-diagnosed, gluten-intolerant populace.
The gluten monster, which came to life when a group of violent baked-goods protesters tipped a vat of boiling sourdough yeast onto a team of culturally-appropriated French pastry chefs, has been destroying buildings and murdering citizens by the hundreds since early afternoon last Monday. At the time of this reporting, nobody has been able to stop it. Also, it is worth noting nobody in or out of Hollywood has actually made the attempt.
"Gluten makes me feel funny when I look at it," stated one woman we found at the local plastic surgery, coffee, and kale gymnasium, "So I'm just gonna stay away from it. Everything will be fine as long as it doesn't eat yours truly."
"I hate gluten more than I love my family," said a man eating a sandwich he was pretty sure was gluten-free, "It can eat my children or whatever. I just don't want any skin rashes. Gluten always gives me skin rashes."
"I get itchy elbows!" shouted some man from across the street while we interviewed another resident, "Fuck itchy elbows!" We can only assume he was talking about his gluten reaction and we could draw no other contextual conclusion regarding his elbow wellness.
With the denizens of Tinseltown voluntarily helpless, driven to inaction by the inconvenience of their mild psychosomatic responses, we looked to the LAPD to see if they had any plans to stop this doughy abomination. In a nutshell, they do not.
"This gluten monster issue is just too risky to try to stop with our local law enforcement as it currently stands," commented police chief Wendell Poppolopous during an emergency press conference, "approximately 97% of my team is documented as gluten-intolerant, and we can't risk them being exposed to any mild to moderately unpleasant side effects should they be required to go near it."
"I always feel uneasy whenever I hear the G-word," spoke one officer anonymously, "I want to help the many lives that are at stake, but I want to feel uneasy even less than that. The horrific gluten monster is simply a lesser of two evils."
"It makes my tongue feel self-conscious," declared officer Dale Engvall, "It's too difficult to do my job when I have a self-conscious tongue! Even if I triple my anti-psychotics! Believe me, I've tried!"
"I have celiac disease and gluten is legitimately damaging to my health," stated another member of the LAPD who chose to remain anonymous, "But I refuse to lift a finger. These people deserve to be eaten."
Police chief Poppolopous has put out a distress call to the police forces of Chicago, Detroit, and other economically-distressed areas which seem to have a much smaller predisposition to gluten intolerance, gluten sensitivity, and overall general gluten what-the-fuckery. He hopes they will respond with their own forces as an act of good will.
"We don't know why poor people don't have as much gluten intolerance as we do," the chief said to us candidly after the press conference, "but they just don't. I don't really care why, I just need their help right now. Whatever!"
So far, the only responses to Hollywood's distress call came from Baltimore. It included a phone call consisting only of laughter and a gift basket of assorted baked breads. We are sure it smelled delicious.
