Pooping With the Door Open: Another Crappy Album From The Hemorrhoidal Lawn Crickets.
Today I'd like to take the time to give a long, deep, grunting look at the latest album by alternative rock band The Hemorrhoidal Lawn Crickets, a 4-disc concept album entitled 'Pooping With the Door Open.' But if you don't have time for this kind of high-brow reflection, all you really need to know is that it's a big pile of shit. The kind of shit you find in a rest stop toilet on I-95 that's half in the bowl and half on the seat. You don't want to see it, hear it, touch it, smell it, or even think about it.
Or taste it. You really, REALLY don't want to taste it.
The Hemorrhoidal Lawn Crickets have a musical history that would be nothing at all if not for its consistent tone baffling awfulness. Their first album, creatively titled 'Our First Album', was most accurately described as "Dying whale farts with some poorly-timed drums." Their second album, loquaciously-titled 'Not Like Our First Album Because Now We Understand Kind Of What We Are Doing," was pretty much the same as their first but only with less drums and more public domain sound effects. Most notable of these was a 14-minute 'chainsaw solo' which consisted of a single 3-second chainsaw sample repeated an ungodly number of times over a keyboard playing what could only be described as a major scale practice exercise.
This time presenting a substantially more defensive attitude, The Hemorrhoidal Lawn Crickets prefaced their latest album with a 4,000-word rant about how nobody understands their music, and that their compositions leap beyond standard musical conventions in order to perfectly capture specific moods of the human condition. In summary, a great big pile of pretentious flamingo afterbirth.
Indeed, if 'Pooping With The Door Open' exists to capture a mood, it's the only thing it really does well. As I ground my teeth through thirteen tracks of stomping, yodeling, calliope, and electric can openers, I felt what could only be described as primordial embarrassment. For myself, mankind, and every living thing on this planet. This deep-seated sense of personal shame, of course, could only be compared to one thing: accidentally pooping with the door open.
More specifically, it's like having diarrhea in a public restroom and discovering there is no toilet paper in your stall. Desperate, you attempt to wipe yourself using a discarded seat cover left crumpled on the floor unknown eons before your emergency even began. Then you realize you forgot to lock the door as your opposite-gendered grandparent attempts to enter thinking it was unoccupied. And then, as your eyes meet, a flash of recognition crosses your grandparent's face just as your diarrhea fires up again. You clumsily lurch outward to hold the door shut, but the handle comes off in your grasp and you end up tumbling forward out of the stall, pants down, clutching a filthy doorknob, covered in your own mess, while a busload of interfaith clergy crowd into the restroom just to wash their hands.
So is the latest from The Hemmorhoidal Lawn Crickets worth the purchase? I suppose that depends. Taste in music is subjective, and people still buy Justin Bieber albums. So if you're an ass-breathing lawnfart that enjoys collecting cat feces, hammering nails sideways, and drowning in an inch of water, this might be the album of the year for you. And if not? Better skip this one!
Editor's note: Out of respect for the band and their intellectual property, we refuse to provide any links to their songs, previews or otherwise. However, we're pretty sure that you can just run a Google search for 'Pooping with the door open' and you will find exactly what you are looking for. Happy searching!
