Lucifit: An Engaging New Workout Program!
As the annual Spring workout frenzy drives on into the warmer months and people everywhere run, jump, lift, and sweat for that perfect Summer body, there is a new exercise program that has gained a great deal of momentum in the past several weeks. Some would even describe the results as the kind you would need a deal with the devil in order to gain.
This new program is called Lucifit, and it's founding is attributed to a suspiciously gregarious San Francisco resident named Octavius MacDonald. When reached for comment, he was more than happy to explain the ins and outs of this new weight loss sensation in a face-to-face interview.
"We're not like crossfit or yoga or any of those other workout programs people always joke about being kind of like a cult," he told us as he swung his ridiculous cape around like a geriatric bullfighter, "We all know that's an old joke, and we aren't that old joke. We are, in fact, a real workout program. And we are also a real cult."
Not just any real cult, either. In no time at all, Lucifit has skyrocketed itself into position #3 on Cult Magazine's list of the top 10 most successful cults across the world, trailing slightly behind Catholicism but holding a steady lead on Scientology and Veganism. As always, the Cult of Procreation and Parenthood remains miles ahead in it's well-worn number 1 seat and is not expected to be dethroned any time soon.
"When I compared the techniques that workout clubs and cults use to obtain members and then physically, socially, and financially abuse them, I learned they were practically one in the same! That's when I knew I was closing in on a winning formula that people would resonate with."
Seeing as Mr. MacDonald's workout program has escalated from a tiny gym in San Francisco to a full-blown franchise in a matter of weeks, we also feel that he may be on to something. There are now Lucifit gym churches in most major cities across the country, and Lucifit hats, coats, capes, robes, mitres, death shrouds and water bottles are all listed as sold out in their online store.
So what are Lucifit's secrets? Mr. MacDonald was more than willing to divulge us further.
"It all starts with the people, of course," he said with much enthusiasm, "Like any good cult worth it's 'cult status' (Said in extra classy air quotes), we start with your sense of self worth and realign it," he took a large gulp from whatever he had within his crystal goblet, "If you have none, we can give your worthless, crappy life a purpose. If you have too much, we can appeal to the weakness of your arrogance. We are well-versed on all the motivational techniques of any personal trainer or cult leader to get you to feel worthless or unfulfilled without having us in your life. Once you are convinced that nobody can make you realize your weight loss potential except for us, then we start to talk about membership services."
What happens when Lucifit has its motivational meat hooks in all your vulnerable places? MacDonald elaborates.
"Once you're in, we start with your wallet, because that's one of the easiest places to lose weight. Joining Lucifit starts off pretty cheap but quickly escalates to prohibitively expensive payment plans just as soon as we steal your soul with sweet words and blackmail." MacDonald reasons that a person who has less money to spend on food will, in fact, eat less food, which works to accelerate the physical weight-loss process.
On top of this, Lucifit uniquely measures your physical, emotional, and financial weight into their own categories, so that a member can track their total weight loss in a way unparalleled by any other workout program or cult. This is the spin in the tired and repetitive world of weight loss that really makes Lucifit stand out.
"When you become as financially light as we can get you, we begin to intimidate and berate you incessantly to reduce your spiritual weight as well. Once that starts to drop, we promote you to the next level, which gives you the honor of higher membership costs and a 50% markup on all of our store products. After this, we return to your financial weight to see if we can lower it further. After that, it's rinse and repeat for a while as we cycle back and forth between segments of financial and emotional weight loss until you reach the upper levels. There is also a treadmill at all of our gyms."
Mr. MacDonald finally became a bit more tight-lipped when we inquired about these higher levels, but he ensured us that it was mostly just standard fare of having his members commit any given number of awful crimes for him in the name of shedding pounds.
So do the undoubtedly incomparable weight loss techniques proscribed at Lucifit actually work? We spoke with members of various levels to check out their results so far.
"On this new program, I've lost 44 pounds in two weeks!" cited a level 2 member, who tallied her total loss of physical, emotional, and financial weight to reach that final number.
"I've gained 10 pounds of physical weight since I started the program due to the added stress of the constant emotional battery," a level 1 member added, "But I've also lost 56 pounds of financial weight in that time, so 46 pounds!" He seemed pretty certain that physical weight would be the next to fall after a few more payments.
"Oh God, please help me! They trapped me in a horrible basement and beat me with bags of pennies they converted my payments into! They won't let me leave and I miss my family!" Stated a new member. MacDonald assured us that he was still adjusting to a few minor lifestyle changes encouraged by the cult staff, and all would be well in another week or so.
At this point, Mr. MacDonald had to cut the interview short, as he was notified by his staff that a member was about to be the first ever to be promoted to the final level. In the appropriately-named 'Last Ritual' of Lucifit, the senior member consumes a combination of sea water and cyanide and then dies. Afterwards, his physical weight loss is tracked by fellow members as his body decomposes. During that time, Mr. MacDonald handles the rest of his financial weight that was willed to him during a previous phase.
We can't wait to hear what the final results are and will be signing up shortly!
