It's Mother's Day! So be thankful that your mom isn't a sea cucumber!
It's that time of year again where we praise mothers across the world for doing all of those things that mothers across the world do. It also serves as a great reminder of how blessed we are as human beings to not be the spawn of sea cucumbers. You can thank your mother for that.
Or genetics, I guess. But you can thank your mother for genetics as well. Without those, you'd probably only have enough chromosomes to become an earthworm. Or a gorilla's rectum. Neither are very good options. Thanks, mom!
With these thoughts in mind, I've included a short list of items below emphasizing things you should be thanking your mother for. Because if she wasn't born a human being, you could very well be a sea cucumber!
-First off, thank your mother that you aren't today's dinner! Sea cucumbers are a popular meal in China and other Asian countries, and are the second easiest thing to catch on the sea floor aside from actual sections of the sea floor itself! The next time you recall that you aren't deep-fried and being eaten by some random dude, remember to thank your mother!
-You can also thank your mother that you even had a father! Since they (Sea cucumbers. Not your father) have the option to reproduce asexually, Your own father only exists because your mother isn't a sea cucumber! Had she been one of those floor-scrapers of the depths, you could have lived your entire life without ever hearing the term 'ask your father' when you wanted to go to that party, buy that new Xbox, or take those freestyle skysex lessons.
-Thank your mother that you probably don't like the taste of whale poop. Being one of the ocean's most prominent bottom-feeders, sea cucumbers enjoy all kinds of poop! Whale poop, shark poop, fish poop, poopfish poop, octopus poop, coral poop, and even 'scuba diver who ate too much curry and accidentally tore his wet suit' poop! So if you aren't eating poop right now, thank your mom! And if you are eating poop right now, it might be time to see a doctor about all that childhood trauma!
-Here is one of the most important points about not having a sea cucumber as a mother, and you would do especially well to remember the below. If your mother was a sea cucumber, your greatest defense against adversity would be jettisoning your internal organs from your rectum as you fled in terror. Remember that the next time you see the flashing lights of a police cruiser in your rear-view mirror and you didn't behave exactly as described in the above sentence! Then, remember to send another special thank-you to your mother for not being a sea cucumber! It would certainly be a lot less to explain to the police and/or your underpants and/or your pancreas!
So take this small list to heart this Mother's Day, and remember to thank your mom for everything she's done for you! After all, you could be an asexual oceanic penis-monster eating whale poop at the bottom of the sea, all the while periodically shitting out your internal organs to avoid aquatic predators! It sucks being tasty, but thankfully, your mom made you appropriately unappetizing, as well as selfish, cold, and bitter... just like the rest of humankind.
But if you're that horrible piece of crap who couldn't even be bothered to appreciate your mom on Mother's Day, just send her a link to this list! I'm sure it will reduce her amount of seething grudge time by at least fifty percent! And for that... you can thank ME.
