Study in Nazi Nut-punching to End Due Lack of Volunteers.
Hearts are heavy this morning as researchers revealed just last night that a critical and beloved neurological study was forced to end due to a lack of volunteers. Though there are some who hold out hope that it may be rekindled with the right amount of outreach, the odds of such occurring are pretty much on par with witnessing a miracle in the 21st century.
For the past 42 years, neurologists Chuck and Danielle Sherman have collected a wide range of data associated with the general satisfaction one gains from punching a Nazi in the testicles. From their study as it currently stands, punching a Nazi in the testicles is as equally satisfying as either kicking a Nazi in the testicles or having a mid-orgy taco break. Unfortunately for mankind, however, we probably won't have the chance to delve further into this important information.
Though there was never a shortage of volunteers willing to knock a Nazi nutsack for science, the number of participants available for the more rigorous side of the ball-busting equation began to dwindle as the years went on. Both Shermans agree that it's just not as easy to find a Nazi as it used to be.
"Back in the 70's finding test subjects was simple!" Chuck told us, "You could go out into just about any empty meadow and flip over a big rock. If it wasn't covering some sleeping hippie, it hid a Nazi war criminal trying to evade persecution! And as for finding someone willing to do the punching? That was almost as easy!"
"They would agree to almost anything to avoid having their cover blown," Danielle added, "We one time had a Nazi suspended from steel cables while a volunteer paddled his testicles with a bicycle-like contraption of my own design that replaced the front wheel of the bike with a windmill made of cricket bats! Still not as satisfying as a bare fist on Nazi scrotum, apparently. We were both shocked by that discovery."
Chuck and Danielle believe that the lack of Nazi volunteers seeking participation in this Arian egg-smashing experiment has a lot to do with time itself. Right before the fall of Germany in World War II, the Earth had entered Peak Nazi, and numbers have slowly decreased as goose-stepping and swastikas slowly became gaudy and unfashionable. In no time at all, jackboots became Uggs, and the Nazi began to fade into obscurity.
"We're not sure where to go next," Danielle commented regarding their place in a world with no Nazis to whomp in the knockwurst nuggets, "I suppose we could go for more study grants. Perhaps there are people out there who would like to know what it's like to set fire to a frat bro or behead a basic bitch? We aren't really sure."
Of course, as this study comes to a close, some other branching studies have already dried up, such as hitting a nazi in the testicles with a cinder block, hitting a nazi in the testicles with a wrecking ball, and hitting a nazi in the testicles with an agitated Wolverine.
At this time, Wolverine has returned to the X-men headquarters to sulk in regards to losing such a fun and easy paycheck.
In spite of the odds towering against them, we stand with doctors Chuck and Danielle Sherman and seek to help them resume their critical study. If you or anyone else you know is aware of any hidden Nazi war criminals you would like to out in the name of science, please contact us and let us know.
