Necktie Tattoos
A man more opinionated about tattoos than I once said that it's bogus to expect to get a real job if you have any tattoos on your neck. Also, he's probably the last man on earth to still use the word 'bogus' in a sincere sentence. Personally, I find his attitude to be heinous and mad whack.
I don't understand what the problem is with neck tattoos. If I had a vapid, 3-month long whirlwind of a decadent meatdance that somehow led to 5 kids, jail time, and a pug, that's exactly where I'd want that morally questionable woman's name hastily misspelled! Of course it implies a social misstep or two, but what does any of that have to say of my professional merits? Absolutely nothing!
But managers are horrible people. They judge innocent humans on their neck tattoos all the time. For example, they hate people with neck tattoos. Furthermore, they despise people who have tattoos on their neck. Not only that, but they also really don't like people who have acquired tattoos roundabout their neck region! How fair is that to people with tattoos on their necks or neck-like regions? Not in the least!
So what can we do to get these villainous idiots to see things in a different way? How can we dismiss this cemented opinion from a caste of bureaucratic neanderthals and show them that a neck tattoo is not always an indicator of prison time, heroin addiction, or or addiction to prison time?
Here's an idea that might work: a neck-tie tattoo! Wait! Don't close your browser just yet! This is valuable information!
Everybody knows there is no piece of clothing more professional than a tie. It's why you can find them being worn by a large variety of respected citizens. Presidents, executives, strippers... they all wear ties! So if we're going to eliminate the unfounded stigma of neck tattoos, we should do so in a way that commands respect. Covering up that old picture on your neck of Frosty the Snowman doing lines off a bus station toilet and replacing it with something a little more Armani is the perfect way to tell your potential employers that you would much rather have a sensible career opportunity than be a fictional snowman snorting cocaine off a bus station toilet! And that's a big step forward!
The best part is that it doesn't even have to be true. Nobody needs to be aware of your inner snowman bus station toilet coke fantasies! Especially not your boss, main partner, or probation officer. Moving on!
As we all know, the office can be a hectic place. There are bodies moving about everywhere, shambling manically, drooling, barking, fueled by any variety of chemical stimulants in place of genuine motivation or interest. All the while, there is a countless number of copiers, fax machines, alligator pits, bear traps, and other workplace hazards that could catch the tie of one of these apathetic dog-zombie-people and turn it into the world's most uncomfortable deathleash. Sounds to me like a problem that only tie-wearers face!
Though the tie is indeed a classy piece of neck hardware, it is certainly not one to wear if you spend your days fearful of your head being ripped off in an untimely fashion. Or even a timely one. A simple tattoo encircling your head coupler and disappearing somewhere near your belly button grants all of the style but none of the risk. You know, like buying prescription drugs online from an Asian pharmacy!
Not that I have anything against online Asian pharmacies. We all need to get our Viagla, Ciaris or Ripitor somewhere, right? Does that last sentence make me a bad person? Nah!
As an added bonus, nobody has ever hung themselves in the workplace using a tattoo. It's fantastic news for any iron-fisted, dictatorial workplace reptile who eat dreams and excretes emotional abuse! In fact, adding the necktie tattoo to the mandatory dress guidelines is another great way to dehumanize your homo sapien cattle while limiting their routes of escape, and is even cheaper than the time you added prison bars to the only window in your underground sweatshop! Your peers will not only see you as an effective tyrant, but also a humanitarian who cares for the lives of the pathetic wretches beneath you!
There you have it, folks! Neck tattoos aren't so bad after all! In fact, they're universally beneficial! From spiritless peons to the draconian soul-devourers in upper management, the necktie tattoo is the way to go. It's as stylish and safe as it is demeaning and morale-breaking. The next time one of your good friends from the corporate world is awkwardly decapitated by a hilarious wardrobe malfunction, don't say I wasn't there to provide a real answer.
