Eccentric Billionaire Dies After Hippo Blood Transfusion

April 23, 2017 Seattle, WA

Medical professionals remain baffled today after 62 year-old Michael Pelano died mere minutes after receiving a total blood transfusion from a wild hippopotamus. Some view this incident as an unusual tragedy while others see a promising lead candidate for this year's Darwin Award.

While medical science as a whole remains in shock, it's not because of the outcome of such a reckless procedure. It's that the bizarre experiment actually occurred in the first place.

“Everybody knows that you can't swap all of your blood with that of another animal,” said every medical scientist we spoke with regarding the matter. Every one of them spoke to us on condition of anonymity, therefore no names were recorded by our investigative team. Except for one name. Todd. Unfortunately, we have no idea who Todd is.

Due to the confidential nature of health information in the United States, it may be impossible to determine who the practitioner was that performed the operation or any others that may have been associated with approving the decision to move forward with the strange procedure. We were informed these facts by the local Seattle hospital Mr. Pelano was admitted to. At the time, their administration was arbitrarily burning documents and dropping computers into battery acid. Relevant authorities determined both events were 'maybe not related'.

Mr. Pelano, known worldwide for his fortune made from pharmaceuticals, pesticides, and pharmaceutical pesticides (Pesticeuticals, patent pending), was always known for having an odd side. Randal Murray, lifelong friend of Pelano's, shared with us a story in which Mr. Pelano fell into the sewer because he thought he was Spiderman.

“He fell into the sewer because he thought he was Spiderman,” he also redundantly added. Mr Murray had no further comment except to say the exact same thing eight more times before scrambling up a nearby apartment fire escape. We stand to reason that Mr. Pelano's friends were nearly as strange as he was.

“What a stupid son of a bitch,” commented his business partner, Alex Murdoch, “He's such a stupid fucking moron.”

Pelano is survived by his 762 cats, all named Fred. His remaining fortune of 17 billion dollars will be given to the friends and family of the unlucky hippo involved in the failed transfusion. Experts expect a certain amount of this fortune will be used to genetically track the possible relatives of the one random wild hippopotamus.

Editor's note: Death by hippo blood transfusion only affects approximately one in seven billion people on the planet per generation. You probably have nothing to worry about.