The Taco Bell Defense
If I ever got caught robbing a Taco Bell, I would have the perfect way out of criminal charges. After you read this article, you also will. So pay attention before you go on your next bi-hourly drug-fueled crime frenzy.
If you somehow weren't already aware, Taco Bell's reputation stems from its proprietary sale of an ambrosia delivered directly from heaven itself. In fact, eating Taco Bell is the closest that most of us heathens will ever get to God's love aside from donating our life savings to megachurches. Sure, it's pretty close to God, but it's not Taco Bell close.
In summary, Taco Bell is irresistible to humans. Raccoons, too. Hell, even the seats taste delicious by the end of the day! And this is why the ploy below will always work all of the time. Start lubing up those robbery pants!
So, 'Rob the local Taco Bell' day happens to pop up on your calendar, you're in there taking care of illicit financial business, and then the police arrive unexpectedly. Problem? Not really. Here's what you do to get out of criminal responsibility in just a few easy steps:
1) Dive over the counter; it's important to be as close to the food as possible. If you are already in the back, you are in the correct place for step 2. Do not dive back over the counter or else the rest of the plan will go poorly.
2) Stagger back to where the tacos are prepared. Most Taco Bells are only closed for approximately eight minutes per day, which guarantees the stoves will still be warm. This is to your advantage.
NOTE: If you are on the wrong side of the counter and attempt step 2, you will find the counter is in your way. If you charge directly into the counter, it will probably hurt (See step 1).
3) Start cooking! Turn some burners on! Boil some hot sauce! Throw some beans into a fire you made out of loose napkins and straws! The worse it is and the more desperate it seems, the better the con! Everybody understands the advanced concepts of Taco Bell Desperation (TBD), and it's the first step toward proving your feigned innocence!
4) Stuff your face. Then... stuff your underwear. That's right. You're going to have to poop yourself. Thankfully, eating anything from a Taco Bell (Even the napkins.) guarantees a massive, unpleasant bowel movement 1-3 minutes later. It's gonna get messy, but it needs to get messy. Trust me when I tell you that it's still better than jail time. If you become doubtful, remember this great mantra: 'A moment of desperation defecation beats a lifetime of incarceration fornication.' Indeed, just as true today as it was when I made it up yesterday! So on to the final step...
5) When the police eventually find you behind the counter in an advanced state of Taco Bell Consumption (TBC), your shorts full of stink as you devour everything you can fit into your face, they will understand immediately, leave you to your business, and return to their typical evening of seeking violent revenge against the kids who bullied them in middle school.
So what just happened? Why are you free to simply return home with a huge wad of cash with which to buy new underwear? Some of you know already. For the sake of the rest of you who may not be as fast as the Taco Bell Master-Race (TBMR), Let me bring you up to speed here.
We all experience our own fair share of Taco Bell Withdrawal (TBW), and it's effects are shockingly varied. When veteran Taco Bell customers have no access to that delicious 10% real beef for a certain amount of time impossible to determine in advance, they go crazy. They behave irrationally. They can't be held responsible for their actions. If anything, the only source of blame here is Taco Bell, right? Wrong!
Now it's time for the loophole! You see, International corporate law #322 states that large corporations (For example, Taco Bell.) can't be held responsible for the negative impact of their products or services upon their customers. It's stated very clearly in the law's 'you can go fuck yourselves' clause* and you would do well to remember that, as your damnation is also your salvation.
When using the Taco Bell Defense, the blame for your crimes is diverted to an entity that is too powerful to be blamed for anything. Therefore no crime was committed, and there is nobody to be blamed. The only true victim is your favorite Hello Kitty thong. The poor thing...
But don't lose focus here. You just robbed a Taco Bell and got away with it! Score one for the little guys! Now go take a bath!
* International corporate law #322 transcribed verbatim: "You want us to do what? No, fuck you! We pay your motherfucking salary, so don't think we're going to let you blame any of that bullshit on us! Not our products, not our services, not our nothing! Seriously, you can go fuck yourselves."
