Forensic Entitlement
Don't go poking around in my corpse after I die mysteriously! It's rude and non-consensual!
I don't think it's fair that so many people who die mysteriously undergo forensic analysis against their will. Should I ever meet a similar fate, I want those crime lab butchers to leave me the hell alone. Since when did our rights as living beings suddenly vanish just because we went off and died in a funny way? If those organ harvesters (I mean 'investigators.') want to go stabbing someone with needles, knives, and Egyptian brain hooks, they should choose a living specimen instead. At least THEY can usually give consent.
Furthermore, can't we just leave some unknown deaths unknown? My biggest problem with science is its insistence on solving life's mysteries. But what is the cost? We can thank Sir Isaac Newton for theorizing gravity and dispelling the previous idea of strong-lunged sky gnomes. It's not acceptable that nerdy schmucks with expensive degrees and freak brains get to put so many imaginary creatures on the extinction chopping block just because they aren't real. It seems like they're given as much chance to consent as a corpse being forensically violated.
If I die mysteriously, I don't want some pimply college kid rooting around through my precious innards. Should I come back as a zombie, I still wish to have some decently functional digestive organs so I can properly handle all of the blood, brains, and meaty bits that I plan to be eating. What's the point of chowing down on some slow-moving idiots head without being able to process that meal, absorb its nutrients, and then take a large but satisfying zombie dump at an undisclosed future time? THERE ISN'T ONE. LET MY ZOMBIE LIVE ITS LIFE TO THE FULLEST.
These points above are too obvious. Should any of you find my body duct-taped to the side of a Boeing 757, covered in chocolate sauce and road rash, just let it be. Accept it and move on. Trust me on this. Some mysteries are better left unsolved.
